Hetalia Essays
by DontKillMe123
Summary: One college. One homework task. Many students. Utter randomness. Warning: Contains mild language, loads of OOC-ness as well as a few pairings here and there! (Incomplete- will update as regularly as I can)
1. Poland

**Poland- The first in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a dash of LietPol.**

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) and the word 'propergood'.**

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T'was the first day back after the Christmas holidays, and the students of World College were all tired and grouchy for obvious reasons. Everyone in this particular class- we'll call it Class B- was pissed off because the teacher, Mr Karpusi, had set them a homework task on the last day before the break, which was pretty darn stupid because _whothehellwantstodohomeworkduringaschoolbreakmotherfudgemuffin_. The students' task was to write an essay about what they did over Christmas, but it had to be written with Shakespeare-style sophisticated and formal language, complete with propergood grammar, punctuation and spelling because that's how we roll.

Everyone, apart from a particularly rebellious student who went by the name of Feliks Łukasiewicz, handed in their homework. Feliks got a half-an-hour after-school detention and had to finish his essay within that time, but he managed to write it all in one-tenth of a second because that's how awesome he is. So Feliks got to go home hella early while Mr Karpusi spent the rest of the evening reading and marking the class' essays.

The next day, Mr Karpusi walked into the classroom, late as always, carrying a rather scruffy-looking piece of paper. The class fell silent for the first time in forever.

"So basically I spent all evening reading through your essays and they were all shite apart from this one", he waved the paper before the class, "and since this is the only decent one, I've decided to read it out because I've got nothing better to do."

Then he began reading out Feliks' amazing essay like the amazingly awesome dude he is:

_'I consider my Christmas holidays to have been, like, rather inadequate. They commenced with me finalising and thoroughly checking the decorations and party food, before waiting until the twenty-fifth day of December, to open what few gifts I had received. This was all completed with the assistance of a particularly diminutive equine- my faithful animal companion who shall, like, remain anonymous. We continued unwrapping ridiculously boring gifts until I found an envelope amongst the cheap wrapping paper- it read simply, 'Open me'. Inside the envelope was a £20 note as well as a card that read 'If you could kindly come by my house around 7pm on Boxing Day, that would be wonderful. - Toris'._

_The following day, I managed to arrive at Toris' house in approximately one-tenth of a second as a result of my amazing physical capabilities. Immediately after knocking on the door, it, like, flew open and I was pulled inside and pressed against the wall. My eyes then met with those of an unusually evil-looking Toris Laurinaitis. I had reckoned he was, like, about to exert some kind of excessive force upon my unearthly beautiful face with his fist, but he instead said unto me, "I would like to commence anal fornication with you, my dear Feliks". And so we did. So very hard._

_I then spent the rest of the break overfilling my stomach with processed, fatty and overly-high-in-sugar-content food and drink. It was totally unhealthy and fattening, but I care not.'_

The class remained in a stunned silence for a considerable amount of time, before Feliks was awarded a grade A-triple star (A+++) for his outstanding work. No one seemed to notice that Toris had ran out of the classroom due to overwhelming embarrassment. Feliks was proclaimed 'Star of the week' and became propergood BFFs with everyone, whoo-hoo.


	2. Lithuania

**Lithuania- The second in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a dash of LietPol and a sprinkle of AusHun.**

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) and the word 'propergood'.**

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Starting from the next lesson he had with Class B, Mr Karpusi decided to read out the rest of the essays, even though he already said they were all shite, because that's how awesome he is. It became a regular routine of his to read out any essays at the beginnings of lessons because why the hell not. Today, he chose to read out Toris Laurinaitis' essay.

Of course, Toris was finding it hard to overcome the overwhelming embarrassment from the previous day, as the rest of the class wouldn't stop enquiring about a _certain something_ mentioned in Feliks' essay (y'all know exactly what I'm talking about) He was dreading his essay being read out because it too mentioned a couple of _certain somethings_.

Mr Karpusi entered the classroom with his usual "Sorry I'm late", followed by some dumb excuse. He announced he would be reading out Toris' essay, which was followed by countless strange looks, chuckles and whispers directed at poor little Mr Laurinaitis.

_'My Christmas Holidays began with being terrorised by a man called Mr Braginsky (better known as Ivan), which was rather frightening. He had come to spend the few days leading up to Christmas with me and the other two Baltic nations, without our prior permission, and did unspeakable things that caused all three of us to have nightmares for the majority of the holidays. Fortunately, he left to spend Christmas Day, and the rest of the holiday until January, with the Allies, which made us feel overjoyed. The other two Baltics, Ravis and Eduard, also happened to be attending a Christmas party that day, leaving me home alone. Most magnificent!_

_As I continuously devoured various fattening foods and overfilled my stomach with sugar-filled beverages to the point of exploding, I remembered my original plans to spend some quality time with a certain young man who went by the name of Feliks. I remembered sending him a letter with a message requesting him to come by my place of residence on the evening of Boxing Day. Fortunately, Ravis and Eduard were attending a Christmas pantomime that evening, so Feliks and I would be home alone. I could not wait until the following evening!_

_Feliks punctually came by my house, right on time as always, and we proceeded to do things I shall not elaborate on. We must have gotten terribly drunk somewhere during the process, as I found myself on the streets, awaking from a drunken slumber sometime during the late evening. Luckily, I saw that the area in which I lay was familiar and not too much of a distance from where I lived, although it took a considerable amount of time for my sight to re-adjust. I could barely make out the wide alleyway that led to my house and proceeded to stumble down towards it. Upon reaching the entrance, I heard someone screaming bloody murder; it sounded as if a massacre was taking place! I slowly and cautiously peeked around the corner, only to see two teachers from my college- Mr Edelstein and Ms. Héderváry- in the alleyway doing things I would once again prefer not to elaborate on. I immediately backed away, turned around, and began to walk the long way home._

_I then spent the rest of the holidays having strange dreams about the many horrifying and somewhat amusing events I had witnessed over the course of the two weeks.'_

The rest of the class stared at Toris in both shock and amusement. Toris, sweating and blushing heavily, excused himself out of the classroom for a considerable amount of time. The other classmates began discussing how they would confront both Mr Edelstein and Ms. Héderváry about the _certain something_ mentioned in Toris' essay- because around half of them had Mr Edelstein for a lesson before the mid-morning break, while a handful of them had Ms. Héderváry for a lesson later in the afternoon. Now that, folks, is gonna be interestin'!


	3. Austria

**Austria- The third in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a dash of AusHun** **and a sprinkle of PruAus. This is actually a diary entry and not an essay.**

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) and the words 'propergood' and '(un-)invisify.**

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The same day, but later in the morning. T'was the second lesson of the day before the mid-morning break and the handful of students who agreed to confront Mr Edelstein about that _certain something_, did exactly that.

"So about-a that _thing_ on the evening of Boxing Day, sir", a student named Feliciano piped up, just as the Music teacher finished preparing today's work, "what was that all about?"

Mr Edelstein froze and the class fell silent. "I have no idea vhat you're talking about", he said with a blank expression. This was succeeded by numerous odd glances, "mm-hmm"s and "yeah right"s from his pupils.

Of course, everyone knew what he was talking about. The students at this school are so cool they can spread a single rumour from one class to the rest of the Earth's population, in the space of five minutes. Don't ask how. So then the lesson went on as normal. Well, almost normal. Throughout the remainder of the lesson, the students periodically gave Mr Edelstein strange looks and asked even stranger questions which made him wish the ground would just open up and swallow him whole. The bell rung, signalling the end of the lesson (duh) and the students were automatically dismissed for break time. That is, all except for one named Arthur Kirkland. When his peers began leaving the classroom, he remained at the back corner of the room and used his Unicorn Magic to make himself invisible. Mr Edelstein, thinking he had just left with the other students, closed the door before standing at his desk and fumbling for something in the drawer. He eventually pulled out a blue book of some sort and sighed a very relieved sigh of relief.

"Zhe diary is still intact, I see. Hopefully nobody vill find out…" he said before replacing the item, locking the drawer and leaving the room for a coffee break. As soon as the teacher left, Arthur _un-invisified_ himself (yes, that's a word now) and used his Unicorn Magic to reach through the drawer and retrieve the diary, before teleporting to the courtyard to read to his peers (and _you_!) what they had been waiting to hear.

_'Date: 27__th__ Dec 2015_

_Subject: boxing Day_

_So it is the day after Boxing Day, and I must say that yesterday evening was simply exquisite. At approximately five o'clock in the evening I began consuming unbelievably excessive quantities of alcoholic beverages before passing out onto the floor. I awoke from my drunken slumber a considerable amount of time later before realising I was late for my date with a fellow teacher, Miss Héderváry. It was not until I arrived at the tavern reasonably late that I remembered I possessed the unusual ability to teleport, and I could have been there in roughly 0.1 seconds. We both proceeded to fill our stomachs with beer, vodka, ale, wine, tequila and almost every other alcoholic beverage in existence before heavily-drunkenly stumbling out of the tavern, almost getting hit by an oncoming automobile in the process. Having no idea where we were going, we somehow found ourselves in the middle of a dimly lit alleyway and things just escalated from there. Unaware of our surroundings, we began to commence, shall I say, rather lewd acts that I shall not elaborate on for the sake of innocent eyes, ears and minds. I haven't an exact clue what happened after that, but I assume we both fell asleep and were taken away by someone because I awoke chained to a bed, with my lover standing in the corner of the room with a camera. The bedsheets were white with black text, and had the word 'Awesome' printed all over them. Suddenly the door opened and he-whose-name-shall-not-be-mentioned-but-you-already-know-it-anyway walked in, dressed in questionable attire, wielding a crop and with a small yellow bird on his shoulder._

_What an interesting evening! Enjoyable, but kind of painful, and my lover kindly recorded everything so we can re-watch and cherish this moment forever!'_

By the time Arthur had finished reading out the entry, a whole crowd of pupils had already formed and all were bursting into laughter. Amusement, shock and disbelief filled the air and a selection of the pupils were already discussing how they were going to confront Miss Héderváry.

Fasten your seatbelts, folks. This is gonna be a bumpy ride!


	4. Hungary

**Hungary- The fourth in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a dash of AusHun** **and a sprinkle of PruAus. Once again, this is actually a diary entry and not an essay.**

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) a few of the strange words you might come across.**

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Oh dear, looks like poor Mr Edelstein had to take a break from teaching for 'personal reasons' according to the receptionists. Oh well, no one cares about that because most people didn't like having him as a Music teacher anyway (tee hee lol).

Tuesday, Geography, last lesson of the day. A selection of students from Class B had Miss Héderváry, who had a reputation for being one of the friendliest teachers in the whole college. It was the middle of an otherwise quiet and peaceful lesson when a certain bespectacled blonde goofball decided to suddenly ask the teacher about _that certain something (ohonhonhonhon)_.

"Hey Miss! We know about that thing that happened on Boxing Day so you might as well tell your side of the story, dudette!"

Miss Héderváry turned away from the board to face the class, and replied surprisingly calmly with her usual smiley face. "If I do so, then silly little Mr Jones has to read out his Christmas essay too as soon as I'm done! Deal?"

Alfred was met with several stares and smirks before answering with a simple "Yeahsurewhynot".

Miss Héderváry reached into her desk and pulled out a bubblegum blue and pink diary embellished with paper flowers and glitter_ (and a few locks of Mr Edelstein's hair)_. "I don't normally just read out my diary to anyone, but since you kids are my favourite class, why not?" she said with a slight blush. And with that, she began reading.

'_27__th__ of December 2015_

_Dear Diary,_

_OMG yesterday was the best Boxing Day ever! I went on another date with Roderich, that cute teacher from the school I also teach at, and it was totes amazeballs~~ Even though he turned up hella late it was awwwright because we drank a whole crap-ton of beer and wine and all that jazz. I wasn't as drunk as him at the end of the session so I could still do basic tasks like walking in straight lines and shite. Before we came out of the pub (or bar or whatever you call that bullcrap) I took a quick look at the clock and saw that it was nearly 10pm and I was like wooaaah~ and we totally almost got hit by a some big-ass truck, and omgwtf I'm starting to sound like Feliks wtf bro?_

_Oh yeah, and we somehow ended up in some mega-gross alleyway and we totally went at it like rabbits! It was really fun because we were drunk as hell, but I'm pretty sure I caught a glimpse of that Toris kid from Sleepy Dude's class. Or maybe that was just me trippin balls. After that we both passed out and a few hours later I was the first to wake up. I realised we were laying on the sofa in Gilbo's living room and Roddy was still totally smashed, so Gilbo told me his 'master plan'. He let me borrow his camera 'cause I wanted to take tons of pictures and savour every moment of bae getting banged by some hunk. I helped Gil chain Roddy to the bed and it wasn't till about 11:30pm that he woke up. At the end of the bed was Gil dressed in some kinky BDSM crap, and in one corner of the room was me with that awesome camera. OMG it was like the bestest night ever and now I need to transfer a bunch of vids and an even bigger bunch of pics from Gil's camera onto my Iphone. Oh and I'd better clean up this nosebleed too!_

_Peace out!'_

The class erupted into laughter and squeals of shock and delight, as the teacher closed the bloodstained page and put away her diary. Although she was reasonably flustered, she too couldn't help but giggle at her own hilarious ways. Some students were red-faced from laughing while others were seemingly horrified at the teacher's unusual use of vulgarity in her diary entry. Just then, the bell rang, signifying the end of the school day, and the students filed out of the room. Turns out that diary-reading sesh took way longer than expected. Alfred was the first to dash out, thinking that he wouldn't have to read out his essay because the teacher had completely forgotten. Little did he know that he would have the biggest shock of his life the next day…


	5. America

**America- The fifth in my Hetalia Essays series. Contains a slice of Ameripan. **

**All characters belong to Hidekaz Himaruya; I only own the actual story/'plot' (****_if you can call it that_****) a few of the strange words you might come across.**

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Week 1, Day 3, Wednesday. Simply beautiful(!) The young Alfred Jones dashed through the college gates, and as he strolled through the corridor, he suddenly heard laughing, screaming and hollering coming from the other end. As he approached the source of the sounds he noticed a bunch of other students gathered around one of the display boards. He was met with loads of epic funny looks from even more students scattered around the corridor, as he continued walking towards the crowd.

"Hey dudes, what's all the commotion for?"

The crowd turned towards him and parted to reveal a mega-huge piece of paper pinned to the display board, with the words 'The Bestest Christmas Essay Ever!' boldly printed across the top. Alfred's jaw dropped to the floor (for realz, yo) as he feared the worst.

"Why don't you see the source of the commotion for yourself, eh?" Said a voice (not sure who it was, though, but they had an American accent. Or maybe Canadian? I dunno lol).

Alfred gulped nervously as he stepped forwards to read what must have been his essay on the display board. Actually no, it couldn't have been it, could it? This all has to be some kind of joke, right?

_'Greetings brethren! You will be simply amazed at how joyous the Christmas festivities were this year! I was exhausted from hosting previous celebrations and gatherings so I made the decision to allow a companion of mine, going by the name of Arthur, to organise and host the Christmas gathering this year. It was simply extraordinary because we had the necessary amount of currency to rent an incredibly exquisite and aristocratic building complete with chandeliers and disco balls and chocolate fountains and shit! _

_I decided to bring a considerably large (approximately eight feet, to be exact) Christmas tree to aggravate Artie, but when I arrived at the venue in the early evening, I was so jelly because his tree was over ten feet tall and almost touched the outrageously high ceiling! He then mockingly asked me if my mind had been poisoned with envy, then most of the other guests along with Arthur himself began pointing and laughing. I proceeded to spend most of the evening sulking in the corner of the huge room because such actions, though undoubtedly childish, are allowed when you are the Hero._

_At about seven o'clock in the evening, my closest companion Kiku came over to discover me still sulking with a humorous-looking grumpy face. He chuckled in amusement and offered to cheer me up. I scoffed, asking how my mood could possibly be heightened in a situation such as this. _

_"I wirr show you", he replied simply, before leading me to one of the venue's breakout rooms and locking the door behind him. We then went ahead and performed particularly… enjoyable acts if you know what I am implying. Let us just say that I bought him a hot dog…uh, yeah I shared my hot dog with him. And yes, that __**is**__ indeed a euphemism for something._

_I am not aware of exactly how much time passed, but when we returned to the main room everyone was all like "OMG where've you been we thought you'd gonemissingorbeenkidnappedorsomeshit OMGOMG". It was at that moment I finally realised just how much these gentlemen absolutely adored me, otherwise they would have paid no mind to my sudden disappearance. I apologised for sulking like a lil' bby for the entire duration of the party and we all proceeded to end the experience by totally rockin' out all night!_

_I spent the rest of my holidays enjoying the company of my trusty pal Tony, stuffing my face, and posting free money through random people's chimneys and ajar windows, because that is what Heroes like myself do!"_

No. This was no joke. This was none other than his Christmas essay, scanned onto a computer, enlarged to an impossible size, and printed multiple times. There was a copy at both ends of every corridor. Several copies inside the canteen. Numerous copies laminated and stapled to the trees outside of the building.

Just as the crowd began giggling once more, Alfred made a run for it. He bolted back out of the entrance and ran all the way back home. He decided he wouldn't be coming back to that college for the day. Or maybe the rest of the week. Maybe even the rest of the year OMG! Uh, anyway, the point is that Alfie was like, super embarrassed and didn't want to show up for the time being, aww poor bby.

But wait, what about Kiku?


End file.
